My mom's in the ER with pneumonia just as my father was two months ago. He died 4 weeks later, and I'm feeling the pain and the ghost of decisions made or actions not taken. I hear my mom wheezing but I see my dad. Did I not do enough? Why did I deny him his Mocha Frappes and his chocolate biscotti if in the end it was pneumonia that killed him instead of his diabetes? Now what about her? She's having swallowing issues which is a common aspect of later stage dementia known as dysphagia and has been placed on a puréed diet to prevents food and liquids going into the lungs (aspiration) which leads to pneumonia, the same thing that killed my dad. So now my inner battle is what to do. Let her eat the foods she likes---cake, buttered croissants, guava pies, and risk aspiration or feed her basically baby food (baby vomit as she calls it) for the rest of her life.
I know immediately what I would want for myself. Quality over quantity of life . Even more so when I imagine myself at 89, bed bound with a fatal degenerative disease. Eating & watching t.v. are the basic choices I'd have control over. For me, bring on the double fudge cake, onion rings, and pizza 24/7 and yet it isn't so easy when it's somebody else's life I may be shortening. What right do I have to do that? But then I think of my dad again. Was I right to upset him by denying sugar to a diabetic that brought him some happiness? The irony that in his last days I tried feeding him as much ice cream as possible.
One thing is for sure. Whatever I decide will be followed by second guessing and guilt which I'm learning to just accept as part of the caregiving package: making decisions you don't want to make and responsibilities you don't want to have.
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